so here i am, in the office and it's nice and quiet. the kiddies have all gone upstairs for their afternoon activity. how peaceful. let us take a moment to enjoy (well you'll take the moment to imagine my face as i enjoy. lols) anyways, what to write a this moment. still haven't been able to sit down and really think about the stuff from last nite's 84c. what can i say, i think i'm quite glad that things in general are over; mainly work, felly, and 84c. It feels as though when i'm here, my life is out of control. i can't handle the things i do and the way i am properly. it sucks like crap. things have been all messed up since the summer started and nothing's worked out well cuz it just can't. why? how can it when things are right between me and God. Ironic that I work full time in what we consider "service" to God, yet each moment i'm at work, and each moment i'm not at work, i struggle to see a relationship present between us. I feel that God.....(had to go do something in the middle of this sentence. not going to finish whatever i was going to say cuz i can't remember so i'll just leave it as is.)

[edit @ 1:52pm] Was just thinking how although there's been an obstruction between God and me lately, I still see so much of His presence everywhere which is great becuase it helps remind me of God's presence. That's the problem. it's not that I don't know he's real. it's not that I don't know he's here. it's not that i don't believe in Him anymore. it's just that i can't connect with him. 84c asks it like this: "how is your love life with Jesus?" my answer to that: we're on a break. we've been on a break for SO long now. it's almost a break-up. actually, i think it is.