I've been a Pharisee.

How shameful.

The past 4 months, and even the many months before that, I've been living the life of a Pharisee. Did you know? Could you tell? Probably not. I would imagine that you thought I was fine, or at least relatively okay. but I'm not. I'm not well spiritually. I'm not spiritually apt to continue on. I question whether I will even make it to my last day. I fear they won't understand the truth even if I told them. Maybe I was lieing to even myself when the summer started. I wasn't well then and I'm not well now. Perhaps this is my cue to leave. Perhaps I should have left a long time ago.

Will the feelings inside will subside over time? I dont' know.
Will things ever be okay again? I hope so.

As I write this post, something inside breaks. I feel the anxiety. I'm struggling for each breath. It's getting heavy. Heavier and heavier as I think and continue to write. The wrinkles on my forehead cave deeper. I can't bear to feel this way. I am so distant. I am so lost. I am the lost sheep. I've wandered off and I can't find my way back. I'm standing in the middle of an open field all alone. I am so far from my Shepherd. I need Him so badly, but I can't find Him.

A year ago, I came across a quote by Bob Pierce - "Let my heart be broken by the things that break the heart of God". My heart is broken right now. I know that God's heart is broken right now too. Why? I'm so sorry, it's because of me.